Some women definitely need these tips. My younger self would have benefitted from them!
When I was in my early 20s, I kept striking out with guys. I was cute, in my opinion, and whip-smart, so the fact that the guys I thought I was vibing with kept going after other ladies had something to do with me. I was the common denominator after all.
Once at a party, I’d been talking with a guy about the recent Bush re-election for nearly an hour. He was hot, and he’d gotten me a couple of beers in the course of our conversation. I thought…was hoping he was into me because I was into him.
“I just don’t underst…” He was saying when he suddenly trailed off, and I followed the path of his eyes to a beautiful blond smiling at him.
Without so much as another glance at me, he said, “Hey, nice talking to you. See you later?” and then he disappeared after her.
I went home alone and irritated yet again. I wanted a boyfriend. I wanted to get laid on the regular, and I didn’t think either of those two things was too much to ask for.
While talking to men should have been easy, it really wasn’t, even when I was talking to men that had expressed that they liked me and wanted a relationship with me. I realized much later it was because of some simple things I, and most of my very single friends, weren’t doing right.
1. Be positive.
Ever gone somewhere with someone who can’t find one good thing to say about anything?
“Wow, the band is really loud.”
“Is the server ever going to come back?”
“Why’d they seat us here?”
“I swear this drink is watered down.”
Misery may love company, but no one wants to date those kind of people.Even if you think those things: refrain, refrain, refrain.
Try to focus on what’s going well, and mention that instead, even if it’s something as small as, “I like these placemats!”
2. Have some self-confidence.
I was on a double date with a guy I found really cute when he asked me to dance.
“Are you sure?” I asked him.
“Uh, yeah,” he repeated.
He took my hand and led me to the dance floor.
“Is…this how I should be dancing?” I asked.
“Sure!” he said, as he did a goofy twirl.
My face burned as I looked down. “I look so ridiculous!” I said.
“I promise you don’t,” he told me.
“You must be blind!” I said. I clammed up, moving stiffly while I watched everyone else around us dancing easily and comfortably.
Are you cringing yet?
What did I not have? Self-confidence. I may have not been a great dancer, but it definitely wasn’t attractive to make it seem like my date was making a mistake by dancing with me.
3. Accept compliments.
“You look nice today,” a man you’re interested in says to you.
“Thank you” is what you should say. Is what you should ALWAYS say.
Not “Oh, this old thing?” or “I haven’t showered in three days,” or “Are you sure?” Too often, we don’t want to accept compliments because we don’t feel good about ourselves, but if a man’s into you, he’s going to think you’re beautiful.
Even if it’s your friend complimenting you, JUST ACCEPT IT. Doesn’t matter if you agree! Don’t make everyone in your life regret complimenting you by making them seem like an idiot for thinking it.
4. Be polite.
This should be common sense, but some of my friends think being rude while out on dates shows that they are high-caliber or classy. No…it just shows that you’re an asshole.
Never be rude to the server, bartender, Uber driver, etc. Not only is this good practice for being a human, but if you do, your date is going to think it’s just a matter of time before you start bitching at them.
5. Don’t talk about your ex.
If your ex’s name is in your mouth, you aren’t over him.
Really.
You might still love him, or you just might still be super pissed at him and not have forgiven him yet.
Either don’t talk to other men about him, including someone you potentially want to go on a date with, or don’t go on dates until you’ve worked that shit out.
6. Share yourself slowly.
I was the queen of oversharing for years. I’ve been through some shit, and I assumed intimacy could be created at light-speed if we just both vomited out our blackest awfuls. Healthy relationships begin at the intersection of trust and safety.
I once had a first date that went on for eight hours. We met for coffee, then had lunch, then went to a movie, and then had dinner. Over the course of that night, we shared all our blackest awfuls.
When you share something awful about yourself with someone and then they share something awful about themselves to you, a false sense of trust is created because you both have things on the line. The trust is founded on, “If I tell her awful, she will tell my awful.” Safety and trust are earned, and both of those things require time.
It’s in your best interest, always, to share the difficult parts of yourself slowly. Give someone sips of your life instead of the whole drink at a time.
7. Listen and share.
Conversations have to be a two-way street. You ask a question, he answers, and then you answer, etc. No one person should be monopolizing the conversation.
A good rule to follow is if you’ve been talking for longer than five minutes, no one’s listening anymore. The next time someone talks at you, pay attention to when you start drifting off; it’s likely around that 5-minute mark. After five minutes, give your vocal cords a break, and put the focus back on your date.
Women and men aren’t all that different. We want honest, upbeat, and authentic people in our lives, and we want to be seen and heard by them.But dating is still a number’s game. You can’t win if you don’t play.
If you keep striking out by not getting dates or not getting to date #2, time to look at you since you’re the common denominator. Adjust your attitude, check to see if there are some things you need to work out, and keep on at it.
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