Sometimes following the rules can lead to something great.
My favorite part of being a Relationship Coach is I get to advise. My job isn’t to delicately tiptoe around an issue hoping you’ll come to a certain conclusion. My job is to coach, to say, “Hey, NO! That’s dumb! Do this instead.”
I mostly advise men on their relationship woes, and many of them have come to me in a state of, “What can I do? What should I be doing so I can get _____?”
That’s where these dating commandments originally came in. Simple things you can follow that could lead to something great.
1. Thou shalt focus.
Online dating sites and dating apps wrongly make you assume there are an infinite number of women available. And if there’s always a “better” woman around the corner, why settle? Why not just keep looking? Hence why #alwaysbelooking can become a thing, a thing that ends up with you being perpetually single and alone.
When you assume that there’s always something better around the corner, you get lazy. You’re less likely to spend time reading profiles or drafting stellar messages.
You’re much more likely to find someone special if you focus. Take time to look at profiles and find things that you might have in common with someone before swiping right. Message them, and make it be more interesting than “yr gorgeous.”
2. Thou shalt send no nudes.
Women are not visual creatures in the way that men are. A pic of her topless sent to you randomly? You’d probably be all over that, but that’s not likely to work the other way around.
Women are generally turned off by overtly sexual messages and photos, and it is considered harassment if you are sending it to her without getting her consent first.
Summary: Unless she specifically requests a photo of your pee stick, DO NOT SEND HER ONE. None of this, “I just thought you were interested…” BS. She has to say WITH WORDS, “Hey, will you send me a picture of your <insert phallus nickname/slang term here>?”
3. Thou may have sex whenever.
Women often move through life constantly fielding the advances of men. We’re getting catcalled or gawked at. We’re doing all we can to actively avoid meeting the eyes of strange men, lest they assume we’re interested and try to approach us.
It’s not surprising then that we don’t do the best at advertising when we’re sexually interested. We may be on a date with you imagining all the ways your skin could rub against our skin, and you may have no idea.
Women can and do have sex well before date #5, even with guys they like and see a future with. It’s 2020, and women’s pleasure is trending. It’s time to 86 all of that shut-shamey rhetoric. If you and your partner are both consenting adults, have at it.
“According to a 2019 study by IllicitEncounters.com, more than half of women have had sex on the first date.” 36% of women also reported that they went onto having meaningful relationships with those first date trysts. According to Match’s Singles in America study, “25% of relationships began as one-night stands.”
There is no magic formula for when to have sex. The less you care about when to have sex, the more you can focus on just being with the person you’re with.
4. Thou shalt have confidence in thyself.
If you don’t like yourself very much, how is she going to like you all that much?
When you have a high self-esteem, you aren’t going to be attached to whether one person is into you or not. You will know that you’re worthy and deserving of love and that the right person will appreciate that.
You don’t need to be taller, fitter, richer, funnier, etc. to find a special someone. You just need to see yourself as good enough.
5. Thou shalt be nice without being a “nice guy.”
You should be nice and respectful to everyone you encounter, but especially to a woman you’re trying to woo.
But never skirt along the boundary lines of being a “nice guy.”
A “nice guy” is a dude who does things for a woman under the guise of “friendship,” but all in order to manipulate her into giving him something in return.
His motives are purely transactional: “If I keep hanging around her and showing her what a ‘good’ guy I am, then she’ll leave her boyfriend for me.” or “I helped her move, so she should blow me.”
“Nice guys” suck.
Guys who are nice, though, don’t.
They’re polite. They have manners. When they’re interested in a woman, they express that, and if she’s dating someone, they don’t hang around in the hopes of scoring her once she’s single again.
6. Thou shalt make moves.
Too many of my clients in the past were too chickenshit to ask a woman they liked out. They expected the woman to do all of the emotional labor of putting herself out there and then set up the date too.
Women do enough emotional labor, and we shouldn’t have to do it at the beginning of a relationship too.
All you need to do is ask her the fuck out. Don’t message her for days, but make no plans to meet up. Don’t stare at her at work, but never talk to her. JUST DO THE THING.
A woman who is into you will give you ample signals that she’s interested. If you don’t jump at the chance to ask her out, she’ll date a guy who does.
7. Thou shalt see the whole woman.
Too often men can see just one quality of a woman and take that to mean much more. She’s smiling, so she must be sweet and kind. She’s stylish, so she must be financially responsible.
While your operating system is set to “iOS delusion,” you’re likely ignoring all of the red flags your date is exhibiting. Her stylish outfit may actually mean she’s living beyond her means, or yes, she’s smiling, but she keeps saying really mean comments about the other women in the restaurant you’re at.
It’s easy to get overly impressed or excited about a person you’re going on a date with, but make sure you rein in your feelings of excitement and take some time to evaluate if what you believe and reality match up. You don’t want to commit to someone before you truly know them.
There’s no guarantee in this life, but you’re guaranteed to get nowhere if you don’t try. Try these commandments and see if they work for you the way they’ve worked for my clients!
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